1.17.2005

She's about the same today. Doc says she's not supposed to be in this kinda condition after these few days. She should be as she is before operation. So it's abit weird bah. Hmm.. dunno. If God wana take her away, I have nothing to say. But i dunno if i can take it. Actually, all these while, I don't know if i'm really strong, or am i just avoiding everything, trying to be strong for everyone else? Am i really facing all these? I can't believe i can hang on till now. But i felt i'm breaking down inside. I kept everything to myself. My fears and thoughts. Nobody knows exactly how i feel. I don't expect anyone to. I wouldn't want them to anw. If it's the usual me, I would haf told the whole world. No, Teddy don't know everything. I just don't want to burden anyone. Why should i put my bundle on somebody else who's living happily, if not normally? If u ask me to tell u all that's in me, i don't know how to. Whatever. Just take it as i'm a stronger person now. Sometimes, when u keep all the things to yourself, which u normally don't, it feels somehow weird. I don't know, I'm just abit uptight recently. When u got so many things in u, u can't seem to let your mind rest. I don't have any peace. Even when i sleep, i dream of the hospital. If i don't dream, i can't even sleep at all. I'm very tired. But i can't rest. Not that i don't want to. I CAN'T. If i don't go n see my sister, i'll feel uneasy. But i want to stay at home. It feels guilty to lead my own life now tt she's in the hospital. Why am i enjoying myself when my parents are slogging to take care of her? Sat at the MRT station steps alone just now, i was very upset. I might just breakdown if i take the train straightaway. I sat there. Stared into space. Tears welled up in my eyes. I wore my specs. It's my mask, my wall separating me from the outside world. People wouldn't notice that I teared. But later, i just kept staring into space. My mind went blank. Peace within the bustling MRT station. I sat there for an hour plus. From daylight till nightime. Finally, took off my specs, back into reality and went home. Anw, i fell in love with Fantasia Barrino. I guess i probably neglected Teddy's feelings during this period of time. He's nice to be at the hospital w me. I kept wanting him to talk to my sister, and forgot that it might be awkward for him. It would be awkward for me if i'm in his shoes (touchwood!). There are just too many things that i've neglected. I'm just too focused on my own emotions. Please treat me like as usual. Don't have to tolerate or be considerate or understanding cuz of my sister. That's no excuse. I wouldn't ask for it and I never did. I gotta make some changes in me man.


ninnnnniee bitChed madly at 9:47 PM