1.23.2005

Do i have to cry and go bang my head on the wall to show that i'm sad and worried? My aunt asked me if i was worried about my sis. I shot back, "must i display my pain to show that i care?" She said, "No lah..just trying to see if u're mature or not." Well..that pissed me right off. Hey, i can cry and make a scene easily, if i want to. But i think itz a fuckin UNSENSIBLE thing to do. And if u cry or jump off the building or blah, just to SHOW u're sad, u're a lowly bastard. I can easily do that and ACT. Sometimes i wonder if pple really care, or are they there just to SHOW tt they care. Well, i went out alot these few days. I showed the optimistic, smiley n heck care side of me with everyone. Whenever the situation gets worse, I behaved as if it's not a big prob, as if it's gonna be ok. FUCK U PPLE (my relatives)! KEPT TELLING ME, "ITZ GONA BE OK, ITZ GONA BE OK!" SO I BEHAVED AS IF IT'S OK. AND WHEN I DID TT, WHAT DID U PPLE SAY TO ME? AND THINK OF ME? What's e use of crying and all that, does it fucking help? I still feel sad after i do tt, so i try not to do it! Makes me feel that they're really shallow people. Kept thinking i don't care cuz i tried to carry on with my life and try to stay positive. Doubted me just because i'm not 24/7 at the hosp, just because i didn't show it. I'm disgusted with my aunt, i'm disappointed with my aunt. U know how does it feel? Feels i don't matter. I don't need them to shower me w attention. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. Sorry Ted, now then i realise how fucking shit it feels when pple judge u like that. Sorry. And sorry pple for the vulgarities. Ha, it seems like a crime to not display what's in your head. I duno, i'm numb, and avoiding all the things tt's going on right now.


ninnnnniee bitChed madly at 10:40 PM