1.07.2005
- My mom described my sis's condition as the tsunami. Fast, sudden, deadly. And coincidentally, both happened arnd the same time. We got news today when we first reach the ward. The doctor gotta extract her brain fluid from her spine (lym sth sth). It's so damn painful they gotta give her anesthetic. She was in such pain even in that. My dad kept chanting quietly to himself in midst of her screams. And me, I prayed to Lord. I don't know if you people know how painful it is to hear yr loved one scream in that way. Yup. They took her fluid to find out if there's this certain type of protein produced by the tumor which would be rather responsive to chemotherapy and radiotherapy. If itz found, no op is needed. Oh! what a relief! That's the 1st wave.
- Later, the head neurosurgeon came. Dr Peter Huang, standing at probably 186cm, told us there's 2 tumors in her head. 1's big, 1's small. They are malignant. There can be relapse. And 90% she'll go blind. Yup. 2nd wave. That's the fatal one.
She's going to be blind even if she operates. Just that she'll be alive. Maybe we're just extending her life. She may die eventually. Dad just came into my room and said, "your sis is a good girl, just that she likes to quarrel. Hope she gets to live a few more years." I looked into her room just now. It's so empty. My house feels empty. It's so cold here. I've thought, "All these yrs, i've been having the best of everything. She gets the very old computer, she gets the very old cupboard, she gets a cheaper cupboard, she gets more scoldings and beatings, she gets more misunderstandings, she gets more sufferings, she gets more needles and scalpels. We're so unfair to her. Though she's unhappy about all that, she lived with it. What did she do to deserve all these? To think of it, i'm a selfish sister afterall. I'm the one that caused most of her unhappiness since childhood. I'm mostly to blame for what she is today. If it's not for me, she'll probably be more expressive, her character development will be much better. I'm so selfish and inconsiderate. I dunno. It's mostly my fault. Look at her when she's at the hospital. She still can see for a little with that 30% vision. Smiling and playing with everyone who came to visit her, bringing laughter to them. Look at the fear and tears in her eyes when she hears there's a need to take blood. If you think blood test is easy, no, it's not for her. She can't do it like us, e usual arm method. She gotta get poked n digged a few times at the hand, the feet and the stomach/thigh to get just one small bottle. Just imagine me poking a needle into your feet and start digging arnd. I've tried very unskilled accupuncture on my feet before. Trust me, i can shivering w pain then. I dunno..after the op when she can't see, her world will change the whole way round. I can't imagine being blind. I just can't. I want her to live. I want her to live long. Even if they cut short my life span.
ninnnnniee bitChed madly
at 10:34 PM
